11.09.12
Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 4:05 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Customizing a “Laugh through Difficult ~cHAnge!~” program for next week’s bereavement group event.Bringing in elements from my original research on work transitions, and how my career change participants had lost a sense of BELONGING.
Maybe you can relate: You don’t FEEL the same when you’re in your ‘usual’ groups of friends, coworkers, volunteers, social clubs. Something is “off”, but you can’t name it. You can surely sense it. Our body/mind/soul seeks this sense of belonging—it knows it as our “purpose” and when we’re not on it, or in it, we don’t feel great.
We feel out-of-control
and
we find nothing FUNNY.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 4:00 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Change represents a loss. Of something. 
It ultimately means WE are not the same person anymore. The world isn’t reflected off of the same person we used to be. Part(s) of the mosaic of our identity are missing and there isn’t anything yet to replace them.
Whether it’s Penn State or the Pittsburgh steel mills, your marriage or your health.
And the funny thing is: we can’t laugh yet until we accept that we are not the same person we used to be.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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10.27.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Humor~Inspirational, Humor~Spirituality, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 2:16 am by Dr. Trina Hess
A funeral. The bottom line. The last straw. Where we re-evaluate not only the life of the deceased, but our own as well.
I was thinking about a funeral I attended a few years ago, for my friend Becky. I saw how humor offers us resilience and relief. I realized with gratitude how much alike comedy and grieving actually are. They are both necessary and healing. Think of the comedy-tragedy two-for-one on those masks and trinkets you can get in Venice. (Italy, that is. Venice, California may have another type of tragedy, I don’t know, I’ve never been there.)
Becky was one of those witty people whose sometimes politically-incorrect remarks came at just the right time. At her funeral, her son-in-law told us funny stories, like how ‘angry’ Becky was that when he married her daughter, he made Becky a mother-in-law at age 41. That joke ran through their lifestories together, and became a call-back of sorts.
Don’t you just love those people who do that at funerals! They give us a release, a chance to laugh, to breathe, to forget about how sad we are, and remind us that we are still capable of laughter! Even in this most tragic of moments.
Humor healed me during this funeral, as I watched my friend’s grandson pick his nose and stare at all the people sitting behind him. He wasn’t being very polite! He wasn’t using good behavior!
But he was funny. And I needed and appreciated him for that.
Later, I told my friend, “I’m glad I didn’t have you guys for my babysitters: ’Come on, we’re going to a funeral!’ Where are you taking him next, to the dentist?” To which she replied, “No, we’re going to take him home and beat him!”
Now that was completely politically incorrect! Hurtful! Uncalled for! And you know what? We laughed about it. It was exactly what we needed to shake us out of our grief, our suffering, our despair. A nice, safe joke wouldn’t do at this time.
I told other people about our new ‘joke’, and they laughed. This led to us talking about other funny and good memories of Becky as we ate scalloped potatoes at the dinner following. This time without tears.
(One comic says that no matter who you are, everyone’s life ends with someone eating potato salad. In my denomination, it’s scalloped potatoes. We are reformed.)
We had traveled through our grief by way of our humor. Thank you, Becky, for helping us to remember to always have laughter on hand, close to the surface. In this life and probably also the next.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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Posted in Dr. Trina Hess' Humor Academy, Humor & change, Humor attitude, Learning Identity, The Change Process, www.HumorAcademy.com at 1:46 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Comfort zone. We hear that word and we usually think of lazy people. Eating comfort food. Watching the world and success pass them by.
But those ‘lazy’ people may just have the key.
Because the only way we can get OUT of our comfort zone is to START from staying in it.
Our comfort zone is that container that reminds us who we are, what our strengths are. It is from there that we springboard to new activities and identities.
The “get out of your comfort zone” mantra is too stifling. Like someone telling you to wake up for school when the blankets are warm. We don’t like it. And it isn’t motivating us to become better, just resentful. It puts us on the dangerous path to perfectionism. Which takes us further and further away from ourselves.
Without a comfortable comfort zone, we lose that connection with our ‘realness’. We forget that we are capable of taking risks, we forget that we are capable—period.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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10.11.12
Posted in Dr. Trina Hess' Humor Academy, Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 2:51 am by Dr. Trina Hess
When we change, our lives spin out of control. We no longer know how to handle things. We sometimes don’t even recognize ourselves and our actions.
Change can be fun. But first, we have to feel like we’re again in control of life. To do that, we have to become a comedian.
Not a clown who does funny things.
But a comedian who says and sees things in a funny way.
To do this, we have to go not to the lighter side, but into the darkness. Only then can we feel free of the burdens that weigh down our minds. Then we can see more clearly how to proceed into and out of our change situation! If we don’t go through this dark part of our experience, it will loom in our minds, darken our heart, and color our actions. It can make change even MORE painful.
The key is to weed out, and uproot all those things that prevent change from being fun.
1 Admit that change is NOT fun. Even if it’s change to a better way of life than you have now, it entails doing things differently, thinking differently about ourselves and our environment, and suffering pain.
2 Admit that change will alter your relationships. People will resent you, especially your family and close friends. Vs. family is your biggest supporter must’ve been orphan. Who else is tied more closely, more intimately to your identity than your family. If YOU change, so must they. You have changed the dance, and the crabs want to pull you back down into the pot.
3 Admit that you are afraid. We’re afraid of a lot of vague things. The more vague, the less we feel we’re in control. List all those reasons why you can’t have what you want. Many of them will be based on fear. Especially the fear that things will be worse instead of better. The fear that we will lose what we have now—no matter how painful things are now.
So how does change become fun, after we’ve dealt with all these negatives? We go back and adjust our viewpoint. Change our perspective by going even further into the darkness. We outrageously exaggerate each point until we make ourselves laugh at the absurdity of life and our previous reactions to life. How unrealistic, out-of touch we were! How far into denial had we buried ourselves!
How can any of this NOT be funny?!
1 **Be brave and confront all those positive thinking messages that say that change is good and pleasant for you. See how you have unquestioningly bought into those phrases even when they went against your actual experience. Trusting a meaningless phrase meant we had to trust ourselves and our reality less. We lost touch with our true voice.
Maybe people will hate us if we change. Hey news flash: maybe they hate you regardless; at least get a little something for yourself out of life.
2 **Imagine which of your circle of family and friends are the crabs in the pot. Picture them grabbing your back claws just as you have crested the edge of the pot. What are they saying to you? What does their crab face look like? Enter the scene and feel how ridiculous it is to still be one of those crabs. Then go find your way out of the pot.
3 **Find 21 reasons you can’t have what you want. Barbara Sher’s exercise was the highlight of my experience as a curriculum writer and instructor in the New Choices/New Options career research program. People felt relieved to be HEARD, to be given back their VOICE—their CONTROL. They were revived after getting all the negatives off their mind and chest. They were more hopeful and energized. Write out 21 things–you can do this for each thing you are afraid of changing in your life. Don’t stop writing, even if you have to resort to, “my pets will all die”, “I am too young, old, heavy, skinny, pale, dark, like sugar too much, can’t stop drinking, won’t start drinking, …” See how unrealistic those things are that you are letting pull you around by the nose.
Funny thing is, these ‘excuses’ for not making change fun—they are always in us. They are just covered by a tarp of seriousness. So that when life rains or snows on us, that heaviness makes us feel even more hopeless.
If change is happening in YOUR life, get back in control by facing the things that aren’t very fun. Getting into the darkness, out of the pot, and back into control. How funny is that?
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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09.24.12
Posted in Dr. Trina Hess' Humor Academy, Humor attitude, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 2:51 am by Dr. Trina Hess
I sorted out some papers from a “Communicating in Business” class I once taught. I laughed out loud at some of the outdated advice. Especially when it came to how and when to use humor.
I’m not sure just how old the book was, but its musty advice reminded me that we are NEVER out of the woods when it comes to humor. We need to always be
a. aware—of the person we are talking to, and their situation
b. accepting—that they may not be ready for laughter just yet, and we shouldn’t take this personally
c. altruistic—creating the laughter environment for their benefit, and not our ego
Because humor reflects the truthfulness of a situation, it is always changing. And so too must our use and skills change.
Worksheets were festooned with all SORTS of archaic trash like, “…persuade your audience with humor…”; “inspire your audience with humor…” I don’t know why they didn’t just tell it like it is: “Annoy your audience with what you think is humorous.”
We’ve all heard about how fear-reaching technology has made our minds. We’re savvy. We’ve seen it all and we’ve heard it all. And we can’t be persuaded by SOMEONE else. People aren’t always inspired by what inspires you.
People decide for themselves if they WANT to be persuaded, inspired. Or even if they want to listen to anything we say.
It’s no longer a matter of getting people to smile. It’s way more intricate than that. People aren’t that pliable anymore. Life itself is no longer that simple. We can’t just invite a clown in and then everyone will be happy.
But that’s what our notion of “humor” continues to be. Something outside ourselves that we can impose on—or inspire in—another person.
It has to start with THEM. Where THEY are in this moment. Even if that’s not a happy place, we have to match them–meet them there.
Maybe our “humor” doesn’t make them laugh out loud.
But maybe it DOES make them feel understood, heard, and supported. That’s enough to lighten anyone’s day.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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09.20.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor~Research, Humor~Spirituality, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 1:00 am by Dr. Trina Hess
What happens when change happens?
We panic and we start to think our way out of the mess we’re in.
But our mind doesn’t have all the information we need. It may not even have our best interests in mind.
In my research on work transitions, people gravitated somewhat naturally to a higher source for their answers. At their end of the rope were solace, solutions, or just serenity—if they let go of the mind-hold.
The turmoil that sometimes characterizes the change process diminishes or distorts our sense of self. As the rug is pulled out from under us, so is our identity.
We need to find out, rediscover, or else reconstruct—who we are. Only when we do that can we make good choices. Decisions that will put us back into a post-change comfort zone. A new beginning.
And that’s how we access a higher source—by STAYing in our comfort zone.
Forget all you’ve heard about stretching your limits. When you’re in difficult change, go for the comfort food. Familiar activities, fun diversions.
Because it is when we are within joy that we remember who we are. We have a surer footing to stand on, to make the next leap in and through our transition situation.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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09.12.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 1:20 am by Dr. Trina Hess
There were many bright spots in the saga of the day of September 11, 2001. Stories of heroism, caring, and the largest rescue in the history of the U.S. These things are important to remember during a tragedy. In the months after the attacks, one place encapsulated a lot of bright spots. That place was St. Paul’s Cathedral. Centrally located, spiritually aligned. And an incubator of hopefulness.
My volunteer group was stationed in this old church. A group consisting of people from various backgrounds and from far-flung states in the U.S. What we had in common was a need to make sense of the tragedy by doing whatever we could to help. In a sense, maybe we wanted to feel some sort of control over life. Ultimately, we wanted to know there was hope despite all the darkness surrounding the events and the sadness surrounding the sidewalks of this tiny church.
Our leaders instructed us in how to approach and relate to those who were left in the aftermath. How we could grasp what they were feeling and how to offer help. We went to Ground Zero, saw the notes there describing loved ones who were missing. We heard the first-hand stories of our group leaders. We cried together as we tried to piece together some order to this new world—especially this small circle of the world that had suffered so much.
What shocked me about my experience wasn’t only the visual madness I experienced. Another big surprise was our laughter. How we managed to find something to make us laugh, make each other laugh—that was the innate gift that we all have. And maybe it’s during times of darkness that this ability is most in our reach. If we grasp it.
“There’s our fearless leader, asleep on a hymnal!” someone in our group laughed, pointing to our leader asleep in between shifts at the church. Everywhere I looked during our early morning shift, people were either sleeping or talking softly with each other.
Some of us walked around the church, reading some of the posters on the walls. The drawings—colorful, cheery. Kids from all over the U.S. had sent them here to inspire and encourage the rescue workers who came here for respite. We laughed at some of the artwork and at how grown-up some of the messages were.
The Southern rescue teams laughed excitedly at our breakfast menu: grits, cornbread, and other southernstyle food. One of our team members was from North Carolina and she loved to cook! That is was 2 a.m. and we were total strangers to each other didn’t matter. When something is funny, it’s funny.
“This is off the chain!” one of the National Guard women said. We all laughed. I added, “Yeah, this is off the hook!” We laughed again.
We–were–laughing. Despite the fact we were in the middle of the night, in the middle of a city that had lost so much.
Those are the touchstones that I keep in mind when the darkness threatens. If we can reach for some way out of the pit of tragedy, we will find another hand there to pull us out. Even if it is our own, reaching back in time to remind us of the hope that is always there.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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09.11.12
Posted in Humor & change, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 5:33 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
What the September 11 attacks meant to me: anything is possible.
Horror unheard of before that day. Terror and fear. Death, pain, and severity.
But this makes true the opposite—anything GOOD is also possible. If we can experience the one extreme, the other also exists. We just don’t see it, or acknowledge it. Or maybe we’ve lost hope in it.
Today, why not try this. If you can and want to, remember the tragedy, loss, and pain. But put equal energy into believing in the bright, the possible, the hope-inducing good.
We weren’t in control on that day in 2001. The horror happened.
And, we aren’t in control of the good. It also happens. All around us, whether we want to look or not.
It’s there, too, just waiting for our response.
How funny is THAT?
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Humor~Health & Goals, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.HumorAcademy.com at 5:19 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
Today is 9-11. The day that changed our perspective about life and loss. Today also reminds me of another loss. Five months after the 9-11attacks, my grandpa died.
I took my grandma to her physical therapy sessions in the weeks following grandpa’s death. She was working out, focusing on moving forward in life. The physical therapist thought she was being helpful when she brought up grandma’s loss.
“I know it’s hard losing someone we love.” Not only that, but she put her hand on my grandma’s shoulder. I noticed my grandma starting to cry.
I was furious! This “helpful” and “caring” “professional” actually made my grandma feel worse. My grandma isn’t the type who talks about her feelings. She wants to appear strong and to feel strong. Especially during a challenging loss like this one.
Losses make us feel out of control. We grasp onto something familiar. We cling to our coping mechanisms. We just want to feel O.K. again.
We think that by addressing what we think is the “obvious” we are improving the bereaved’s condition. That may work for some people. But for others, that strategy drags people deep into a situation that they feel unable to handle.
Why not address the “obvious” by matching the other person’s mood? If they didn’t bring up the subject, then you don’t either. When they are ready to talk, they may tell their story. If they trust you. If they feel they can maintain some form of control over their emotions.
Not all of us want to talk. Not all of us are mushy, even during a commonly-shared tragedy like 9-11.
Because we don’t meet the textbook solution for dealing with tragedy and loss doesn’t make us wrong. It makes us human. We will be able to handle the situation, talk about it, process it.
In our own time.
That’s why humor is so vital especially during loss. It reminds people of what they DO have control over–finding something funny. Or not. But if we insist on the touching-the-arm, caring response, we will miss our cue. And we may even prevent others from healing.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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