05.13.13
Posted in Learning Identity, Stress and Change, The Change Process, www.trinahess.com at 4:15 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
photo from Sant Laughter Meditation
I read something about The bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev, how he felt alienated from the country he was living in. How heavily our identity, what & how we think of ourselves, creates chaos…
The writer said Tsarnaev’s identity was a constant recollection of Russian oppression. He needed to uphold this, even while living in a country that didn’t really resemble his homeland. He probably had to keep distance from his new country’s values, and in so doing he missed having a sense of belonging.
The alienation created shame created stress created a devastating scenario.
How do we reverse this downward trend in our own lives?
Maybe by figuring out where we DO have a sense of belonging. Building on that world that reflects our values. Knowing how we will identify ourselves. Claiming the right to identify ourselves–aside from nationality, past histories, other’s judgments (and even our own).
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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05.07.13
Posted in Dr. Trina Hess' Humor Academy, Humor & change, Leadership of One: Unicycleadership, Learning Identity, Stress and Change, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.trinahess.com at 4:24 pm by Dr. Trina Hess
On Sunday I learned a new way to get my unicycle started. No, not with a motor.
You see, for almost 19 months I have been holding on to a wall with one hand, taking my uni seat in the other hand, and then steadying the pedals, and finally—riding away from the wall. This sounds like a lot of effort. But now it seems easy. Compared to the 5 months of Saturdays it took till I could ride away from the wall, and without anyone holding my hand.
Last night I tried a new system for learning to not lean on anyone. For believing in my ability to move forward. Here is what I did:
Using the kindness of Hi-Level Golf Course, and their letting me use their golf carts, I set up the system. On one side of the cement I parked a golf cart, driver’s side facing the outside. On the other end of the pavement, another golf cart, also driver’s side facing the outside.
Here is where it (usually) gets scary. The unaided wheel. The unsteady pedals. The gravity of it all. Literally.
This is usually when I would start to panic. Worry. Quit. But this time I didn’t.
Instead, I engaged my left-brain to counter my emotions going haywire:
One: Hand on cart roof handle.
Two: Left foot on pedal.
Three: Crotch on seat.
Four: Right foot on pedal.
Five: Left arm out to side for balance.
On Six, I started pedaling away from the cart.
And when I felt like I couldn’t pedal anymore—the moment of truth, when I usually make an UPD (unplanned dismount), I leaned forward. And I kept going.
I didn’t have a fear of falling. I was too intense on keeping count of my pedals, so that I could step off on my left foot instead of my right foot. (I had hurt my left big toe in a related unicycle incident a few days earlier. Not from riding, but from driving over dog poop and then going outside in the dark to wipe off the dog poop from my tire. I misjudged the walking distance to a lawn railroad tie and lifted my toenail out of the bed. Extra painful, since I had already lost both big toenails in the Paris Marathon in 1994. But that is another blog entry. I’m not sure if I broke the toe, so I started stepping off with the other foot just to be safe.)
That’s what happens when we follow our curiosity. Our courage takes over.
We get intuitive.
We start listening to what works for US.
We become fearless, because we are not focusing on, or even feeling, fear.
We are goal-driven when that goal is fun for us.
This type of goal-reaching is productive and success-filled, because it’s not a chore. It’s not unpleasant. When we follow our funs, we are pulled along by our self-belief.
What have YOU been afraid to try? Count the ways you can stay curious about your new and fun venture, and start pedaling! How funny is THAT?
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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02.19.13
Posted in Dr. Trina Hess' Humor Academy, Humor & change, Humor~Research, Learning Identity, Stress and Change, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.trinahess.com at 3:20 am by Dr. Trina Hess
At what point does acceptance become hopelessness? And when does that hopelessness lead to passiveness in our decision-making?
I re-evaluated my participants’ explanations of the ‘contentment’ they said they had.
“Just see where that path goes…”
“I don’t expect everything to be perfect.”
“I don’t expect every day to be honey and roses, but just to be content with where I’m at.”
“Just being content with where you are in life.”
Maybe I saw a new light shed on these meanings because I noticed all of the “just”’s throughout our interviews. Maybe this normally-positive phenomenon known as “contentment” was really, merely, a settling for less. Because of little self-efficacy during this work transition period. Or maybe feelings of worthlessness or unworthiness.
Much like some participants had used the term, “Just happened” when describing how they’d fallen into their first career “choice”. What seemed at first to be openness to change and possibilities now looked more like passiveness, and taking what was possible at the time.
At what point do we decide, “This is acceptable”? At what point do we stop trying harder and try what is right in front of us? And do we always know the difference between feeling at peace with our choices, and quieting the voice that says we could have done better?
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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12.20.12
Posted in Comedy Around The World, Humor~Events, Humor~Health & Goals, Stress and Change, humor & hope at 1:47 am by Dr. Trina Hess
I decided to bring back Comedy Around the World. This week’s episode goes shopping for Christmas presents!
Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s right up there with Groundhog Day and April Fool’s Day. But not for the reasons you may think. It’s not because people are in a good mood, or willing to be kind to one another. That’s old hat.
I love this time of year because people are willing to go completely off the chain of logic and reason.
We claim that Christmas is a stressful time. But in fact, we’re throwing OFF our stress-inducing habits.
* We’re NOT hypervigilant about gas prices when there’s shopping to be done.
* We’re NOT paranoid about keeping to our time schedules.
* We DON’T care about our diets.
* We are solely focused on having FUN.
Here are some examples I’ve witnessed (or committed) myself:
1. People are completely un-gas-saving. Forgot a present for someone? Just drive another 30 miles out of your way. It’s a gift. It’s Christmas. If you’re in Pittsburgh, perhaps you could drive over to Robinson Town Centre.
2. People are wholly unselfish. I was about to pay for my groceries at the Amish smashed can store when the owner handed me a pen. I said, “I’ve already signed UP for the free gift certificate.” I had obeyed the sign that read, ”Just write your name and phone number.” Where they were getting a phone, I didn’t know. He said, “NO! This is a GIFT!” Completely unnatural especially since the store sells $4.95 health food store crackers for .35 cents. Insane!
3. People jump start their impulsiveness by throwing out their schedules. Have to get up at 5:30 a.m. for work? Doesn’t matter, stores are open until 10. And you will go shopping, because it is Christmastime.
What other time of the year lets us let ourselves be so free, so unfettered, and at ease? No, we’re not non-conformist—at this time of year EVERYone is being nonconformist. But we ARE being truer to ourselves.
Staying up late when we shouldn’t.
Eating sugar-laden foods haphazardly because friends are near.
Driving maniacally from store to store when gas is $4.52 a gallon.
Nonsense!
Madness!
And very, very FUN.
What are YOU doing that is irrational and illogical this Christmas season? How funny (and STRESS-FREE) is THAT?
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess atwww.trinahess.com
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Posted in Humor & change, Humor attitude, Humor~Events, Humor~Health & Goals, Stress and Change, The Change Process, humor & hope at 1:28 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Let the games begin! I vote to bring back Festivus. The man-made holiday you probably remember from
Seinfeld. Forget about charming, candy-coated Christmas season. Let’s get real!
I thought about Festivus when I heard the statistic that the highest rate of suicide is during the Christmastime holiday. Seems completely untrue. Christmas is for love, caring, giving, hope, etc., etc., etc.
The problem is that we’re supposed to think that. And then we’re supposed to live up to that, and —worse—expect that from other people.
The holiday season slams the door on humor. Here’s why:
1. We seldom look at a stressful situation in its entirety. What is the whole situation, what are all our feelings—both good and bad?
2. We aim unrealistically high in our goal to achieve the Rockwell painting. A painting that was probably a fake—has anyone really ever checked?
3. We work against our own best interests, neglect our mental and spiritual health. In short, we generally and habitually put ourselves last.
4. We aren’t having fun because at the holidays we meet up with the most stressful person in the world: ourselves!
So what’s the remedy? How CAN we make Christmas the way it’s “supposed” to be?
By not expecting it to BE anything. It’s not “supposed” to be happy. The holiday was variously pagan, and then involved birthing a baby in a Middle Eastern barn and freezing with no heat. How fun is that?
And from there, it has morphed into a one-up-man-ship of better and better gifts. Out-doing each other in holiday parties. Worrying about the kids hating us for not getting them cool toys. Loathing ourselves for continuing to do things we hate doing like sending Christmas cards, etc., etc., etc.
No wonder people get depressed at this time of year!
Here’s a strategy that is not “supposed” to work, but you can try it anyway.
—> If you don’t like doing a holiday task, stop doing it. Sure everyone will hate you for not mutually sending cards. But maybe they will hate you regardless.
—> If you simply cannot stop yourself from sending Christmas cards, do it the Festivus way. Write in the card all the ways that particular person has disappointed you. Next year you can stop, because they won’t miss your card.
—> Get real with yourself. If you’re ready to burst into tears because you don’t even know what an iPod is and you have to buy one so your family member will be happy—well, then, just have a break-down. Right there in the kitchen store where you’ve gone to find an iPod.
Follow these tips and maybe YOU can set the example for others to get real, too. If we have entire cities of people who can’t deal with the holidays maybe we’ll all feel less stressful.
Feel free to add to the list. The only thing that is “supposed” to be on the list is what keeps YOUR humor nature alive and healthy.
What’s so funny about that? Simply everything.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess atwww.trinahess.com
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11.28.12
Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, Stress and Change, The Change Process, www.trinahess.com at 4:35 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Today I learned that my piano teacher died.
This month is the end of an era. That’s what I’ve been thinking recently. With the death of my comedy friend and co-writer JD Sidley. With the death of Hector “Macho” Camacho, foil of my fave Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini, and co-star of many fights I watched as a teenager.
And now, my piano teacher. From age 12 until graduating high school, I was her student. As she taught, inspired, opened doors and perspectives for me. As she played a major part in my formative years, and my forming my adolescent self.
What do we DO when we sense the end of an era?
When we feel the specter of losing control—of what we knew, the pattern of life that was familiar? There is a sudden sadness, sure.
But then there is the rest. The other. The more and more. We don’t often acknowledge this during a loss, but it is there. Under the surface. Lurking behind the bad moods, bad nutrition, bad words, bad days. We don’t put the pieces together. But it is a matter of missing the pieces of ourselves, when those from a past era have passed.
I don’t think we normally think in this format, unless there is a collection of comfortable cohorts who leave us all at once. If there is only one loss (“only”), we are usually so enmeshed in its grief that we don’t—we can’t—see the bigger picture: how the loss is affecting who WE are.
So what DO we do with this information? This information that we haven’t yet identified AS information? Because we don’t see the opening of the moat door, letting us out of the castle(s) of the past. We want to stay inside to safe-n ourselves from the pain of the loss(es).
But these three losses recently—they have blown out/blown through/blown past the door of the moat so that I can’t NOT look past that former door. And now I am looking out onto the other side of an era. Forced to not only lessen the losses somehow, but also loosen their fastening onto my identity-mosaic.
I really DON’T have an answer. About what I’m feeling or supposed to feel. I just know that it’s the end of an era.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Learn more about “Change stresses us. Stress changes us. Get back IN CONTROL” —programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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11.26.12
Posted in Humor & change, Stress and Change, The Change Process, www.trinahess.com at 12:47 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Yoga is a sport/science/meditation that helps combat stress. I’ve been dabbling in yoga ever since grade school when my mom showed us how to stand on our heads and do the plough and other poses. It helped that she had been a majorette because not only did we learn flexibility, we also learned how to twirl a baton.
But back then, it wasn’t called “yoga.” It was called, “Look what I can do!”
At the end of each yoga class our instructor Libby leads all of us together in saying, “Namaste.” This word isn’t a chant. It isn’t psychobabble. It isn’t a cult initiation. All it indicates is that I acknowledge the good—or, in some people, the potential good—in you. And you, in saying Namaste, do the same for me.
I use the sound of the word, “Namaste,” to remind myself of yoga’s stress-free powers:
* No more stains—on your consciousness, of worry about tomorrow, or yesterday.
* No more staying—in your cramped, clenched, caged-animal body stance.
* No more stakes—in the ground, in my claim, in the heart, or in the mind.
Namaste.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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11.25.12
Posted in Humor & change, Humor~Health & Goals, Stress and Change, The Change Process, www.trinahess.com at 6:20 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Lake Placid, New York. Home of the mighty Adirondacks. Also home of my first stint at “real” hiking.
I thought, “I can do this. I’ve finished eleven full-length 26.2 mile marathons. Alive. This hiking stuff is merely walking through the woods.”
Was I ever wrong!
Not only was the hike humid, strenuous, and difficult. It was endless. That’s because it wasn’t what I’d expected.
The onset of stress makes us think differently…
We expect a certain outcome. We prepare for that. We think we know it all. And so—we get surprised.
By our inadequacies.
By our lack of knowledge.
And then we berate ourselves.
Or take it out on someone else.
That scene is almost as excruciating as the hike I did. But our reactions to stress don’t have to look like that. Not even on the mountain. Just apply what I did to survive the 3-hour hike: I wasn’t strolling nicely through the woods in my borrowed camel-back water-er and hiking shorts. No! I was doing whatever it took to get up and back down the mountaintop:
Climbing ape-like over the steep rocky banks. Hand, foot, leg crawl-over, and another hand. Hoping I wouldn’t slip. Slipping anyway. Breaking to rest the ankle I had sprained 5 days earlier. Re-wrapping my sprained ankle. Scratching the bug-bites on my armpit.
I tell you, it wasn’t pretty.
And that’s exactly where we start to get IN CONTROL of stress:
1. Give yourself a break. Aiming at perfection will only limit what you WILL do. What you are willing to go through. And that necessarily limits your possible, positive outcomes.
2. Be ready to try out a new way. My idea of hiking has always been upright, human-like. Never did I think I would have to resort to crawling on hands and knees. But new circumstances require us to think in new ways.
3. Look out. Be forward-looking, but not in a controlling way. Stay flexible. On your toes. Ready to accommodate anything that comes your way.
Which branch will you grab next to pull yourself up the steep bank? Is that rock stable enough for your weak ankle? Can you step on the log over the mud, or should you try the grassy side of the trail? Think ahead to how you can approach your next stress-filled mountain. We will climb many of them in our lifetime. The difference is that when we’re alert, flexible and open, we may have more fun getting to the top. And back down again.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.trinahess.com
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Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, Stress and Change, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.trinahess.com at 6:10 am by Dr. Trina Hess
Way to de-stress: FOCUS solely on enjoyment. I did this a few years ago on a trip I took to Norway.
I remember the train pulling up in Oslo. I was giving myself a break from my first-ever marathon in Berlin, Germany. The first marathon I completed without going to the hospital.
I couldn’t walk upright very well. Going down steps I walked like John Wayne. Still had constant pain all through my body.
Physical pain creates stress in our minds. But there was more: I had no idea where to stay and didn’t speak the language. But strangely, none of that mattered. I had no energy to make that matter.
All I could do was go through the days and let the city happen to me. I wasn’t on a schedule, because I hadn’t researched any of the city’s landmarks. My days were wide open.
That seemingly chaotic time turned out to be one of the most pleasant trips I have ever experienced. Pleasant because it was unstructured. Fun because there were no deadlines, no tasks to accomplish. My only purpose was to enjoy.
Take 5 minutes tomorrow at noon and plan your next time-less-ness excursion.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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Posted in Humor & change, Learning Identity, The Change Process, humor & hope, www.trinahess.com at 5:53 am by Dr. Trina Hess
“Know how you can tell a dog that’s been dropped off? He looks both ways and doesn’t know which way to go.” That’s what my neighbor told me, as we were talking about a recently found Cocker Spaniel.
The way a stray dog acts is also how we humans tend to react to the stress of change.
We can’t focus, because we don’t know WHAT to focus on. Just like the lost dog, we don’t know who or where our new “owner” is—our new identity. The house where we’ll stay, where we’ll feel and be safe. We just don’t know.
One of the themes I culled from my original research on work transitions: the need for belonging. A sense of community that helps us move through changing times and come out on the other side—being our true self.
Our authentic, original, innate laughter leads us to this belonging. Think of how you feel each time you “get” the joke. How complete you feel when you collaborate with others to bring a laughter incident full-circle. When you feel that lightness that characterizes good humor—you know you have emerged from your trying time.
“Will I ever laugh again?” asked Carrie in the first Sex and the City movie, after being jilted by Mr. Big. Her friend Miranda said, “Yes, when something is really really funny.”
When you’ve found something really, really funny, you’ll know not only which way to look. You’ll know which way to go next.
Living Between the Extremes is the research study Dr. Trina Hess conducted at Penn State University. Subtitled, “How do single, mid-life women reconstruct their identity after a work transition,” the study highlights those tools that describe and inform the process of change. Find out about the change programs offered by Dr. Trina Hess at www.HumorAcademy.com
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